I decided that I wanted a new blog for my journey. Below is the link.

http://smstyles.blogspot.com/

So a few weeks ago, I got some very bad news. News that was difficult to process and I am still in the "process of processing." I told only the people that had to know- my parents, my boss, Ken's boss, and parents. We ask that they not tell anyone. We were still dealing with it and we did not have all the information yet. We did not want anything said until I had all the results. So what happened?

We found out late Tuesday evening. By Friday, I know there was a mass email and I made someone's Myspace page. I ask my mother how all these people could possibly know and she told me who she believed was the culprit. Excuse me, Mother but you are the culprit. You told someone that spread it around against my wishes, you did it. On Ken's side, I started getting emails from people with specific details that Ken had told his father. When we ask you not to tell anyone in the first place, what made you think intimate details should be spread. I won't even start on the cards from complete strangers...

I understand that the people sending well wishes mean only the best. I really do. And I appreciate their thoughts and prayers. I am in no way mad at these people. I want to make that abundantly clear. But I asked that this information not be spread. I understand that they may have needed to discuss this information with someone close to them. But I know anyone I chose to confide in would respect my wishes to keep something quiet. I also know that I try to respect someone's wishes, even if they go against my own. Now I am having to tell people I am not ready to tell, because I do not want them to hear via gossip, Facebook comments, etc.

I still do not have all the relevant information. And due to the utter disregard for our wishes, we are no longer sharing updates with anyone. Once we have all relevant information and have made our treatment decisions, we may tell them.

And I really hate our hometowns, I am so thankful we are not there anymore. New Yorkers know how to keep their mouths shut.

Thanks for letting me rant.

So, on Friday, I began to get emails from people I had not heard from since high school and I realized that the word had gotten out. I really appreciate the letters and emails. I'm just so exhausted right now. What I have lived in the last week is more intense than anything I could have imagined. Aside from a horrifically long weekend, today is the first day I haven't had anything poked into me or looked at. Today is pure exhaustion, sadness, and moving toward acceptance.

My world has completely changed. I feel the same physical, except the emotion and the stress. I look the same. I can go to things. I am not confined to my bed. But as of 1:00 yesterday, I am in menopause. I am going to be in the doctor's office at least once a week. I will take a pill everyday that will hopefully shrink the cells and the tumor. I don't know how long it will work. Then we will move on to the next tool. I just hope that they keep coming up with new tools.

Wow, it's been a while. Life has been an interesting combination of salty and sweet. I have some job changes coming, but not as much of a change as I want. It has been a pain, but still life is good. Unbelievably good. This week I went to a party on the roof of the Met and took a tour with the curator of the J.M.W. Turner exhibit. I met Chuck Palahniuk and Sam Rockwell. I went to several yoga classes, several of which kicked my butt. I was unbelievably moved by Obama and unbelievably bothered by Palin. Oh, and I got an invitation for a show during Fashion Week!

Got this from a friend, and thought it was fun.



1. My uncle once: introduced me to New York.

2. Never in my life: have I seen an episode of MASH.

3. When I was five: Rosalynn Carter signed my cast.

4. High school was: better in theory.

5. I will never forget: a single phone number from high school. I could call Leslie , Jason, and Q104 right now (or past them), but I could not dial my husband's office or my best friend from memory now.

6. Once I met: a lot of cool people and I can't really decide who is the coolest. I met Moby at a party a couple of weeks ago, but he probably wasn't the coolest.

7. There’s this boy I know: that bugs the hell out of me. Most of the boys I know bug me. Surprisingly, my husband is not one of them this week.

8. Once, at a bar: I did something stupid. That should cover it.

9. By noon, I’m usually: ready to leave work.

10. Last night: I went to dinner with friends and missed the first 3 quarters of the game.

11. If only I had: a clue what I want to be when I grow up.

12. Next time I go to church: I will not do too much hamstring work in yoga the day before. Church should not be painful.

13. What worries me most: is that all good things must come to an end.

14. When I turn my head left I see: the window and my books, globe, and pottery.

15. When I turn my head right I see: Ken and Garbage Man in the Sky by Joseph Dunn.

16. You know I’m lying when: I lie. I'm really bad at it.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: roller skating.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: probably Lady Macbeth. I've got the guilt thing down.

19. By this time next year: I will have made some changes or at least some decisions.

20. A better name for me would be: My name rocks, there is no better name for me.

21. I have a hard time understanding:some people's reasoning.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: study Art History.

23. You know I like you if: I don't really know?

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: Ken.

25. Take my advice, never: take my advice.

26. My ideal breakfast is: eggs in meurette from landmarc with a side of hashbrowns and a mimosa, or ditch the OJ and just have champagne.

27. A song I love but do not have is: I can't think of one. I have a really large music collection.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: go to Pruitt's and the Falls. Does the Jack at the Falls still have the ice cream? Oh, and Magic Burger, you would have to go to Magic Burger. It isn't the most exciting place, so I would just eat.

29. Why won’t people: stop stopping in the middle of the sidewalk.

30. If you spend a night at my house: it would be cramped, and there would be a dog and a cat, and they would climb on you.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: I didn't stop it for anything, but now I would stop it until everyone had the right to marry the person they love.

32. The world could do without: war and genocide.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of a rat.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: not natural blondes.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: binder clips?

36. If I do anything well it’s: shop, obsess, and put my foot in my mouth.

37. I can’t help but: over think everything.

38. I usually cry: for no real reason.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: don't ever be afraid to speak up for what you believe.

40. And by the way: I really suck at these.

I still cannot find my iPod and I still cannot get over how difficult it is to live without my ipod. I finally found someone to cut the glass for my broken table. I finally scheduled a haircut and only 2 weeks late. I really hate the lecture I will get for the state of my hair. I actually scheduled Camden's haircut in advance, and he really should have gotten it the week before. Poor little guy looks like Cousin It.

We have absolutely nothing to do this week and have completely overbooked next week. Next week includes a Mozart late night recital, a natural foods dinner, and hosting a birthday party for a friend. This week is nothing but plenty of time to prepare for next week. Will I be ready? Absolutely not.

I start at my new yoga studio on Friday.

I've added some dairy back into my diet and my nails are still splitting. I wonder how much longer they will be that way.

Note to self: Next time you go vegan, take calcium supplements.

My too short vacation has come to an end. This week was originally to be spent in Prague, but the current state of the dollar changed that rather quickly. Instead we stayed in NYC and went to the Hamptons for a few days. Nice, but not Prague. I accomplished very little this week and I am unsure if that is good or bad.

I dread returning to work tomorrow. I dislike my job. I sometimes envy my workaholic husband. He doesn't dread going back to his office tomorrow. He loves his job - stress, self-imposed long hours, annoying people, and all.

I interviewed for a job that I really want two weeks ago. The person I met with was out of the office the week I was on vacation, and I did not have to worry about it over the past two weeks. I knew no decision or second interview would occur during that time. This week I know I could and or should hear something, she actually told me it would be within the month. I felt good about this interview and will honestly be very upset if I do not get it. I have blown several interviews this summer. I have rushed to interviews and I have lacked focus in them. Crazy mess would best describe me for several. I had it together for this one and it really felt right. I have felt so good that I stopped looking for other jobs in the past weeks. Now I am getting nervous and worried about what I will do if I don't get it. I just have to stop obsessing and hope for the best. Which is easier said than done.

I abandoned my part-time vegan lifestyle last week. I think I am going to have to eat more dairy during the week from now on. My nails were splitting and horrid and now, following a week with some dairy, they appear to be healthier.

Working out was hit or miss this week as well. I did cardio and little more. I have to vary my workouts more. That is one of my goals for August.

Another lax area for me has been budget and spending. I have been out of control. Splurges have become monthly happenings and things that were formerly considered splurges are considered necessities. I have to tighten up. We have some larger goals I want to focus on and we can't at our current pace. The new job would also help, it pays a lot more than my current job.

I need accountability. I do well, but not well enough. I am going to track myself more.

1. When staying with a friend, find out how late they actually mean when they use the phrase 'sleeping in.'

2. Remember the rest of the world is not like Manhattan and you cannot just walk out and get breakfast. You should plan ahead, especially when the phrase 'sleeping in' is used and you really have no idea where you are.

3. If you decide to go for an impromptu swim in your underwear, make sure you know the lawn services schedule.

I started this morning with a great job interview. It will be about a month before I know, and over 100 applicants, but it went really well.

Last night I went to a party at Lincoln Center last night. We bought 2 raffle tickets for $10 each. I got a call today that I won a price -- a six month yoga studio membership valued at $610. When I called Ken to tell him I won, he told me he had also won a prize- a Nokia N95 phone valued at $650. Seriously. How insane is that!

Then I stopped at Lush, and they had the foot lotion that has been sold out. Doesn't sound like much, but a really big deal to me.

I decided I should get my thank you note for the interview in the mail today, my lucky day. As I was walking Camden carrying the letter to the Post Office, I received a call from one of my best friends, Liz. We generally play phone tag or email and have not actually talked in about 7 months.

Then I went to MoMA for a preview and a glass of wine. Lucky me!

This Sunday, and as far as I know right now, Ken and I were/are members of three gyms. Yes, three. Last year, we quickly joined a gym that we thought we liked. Over the year, I realized how much I did not like it. So I sent in my 30 day cancellation notice. I had pretty much decided that I would join the gym in the basement of the hotel across the street that a few of our friends are members. Ken had looked at it and thought it would be great. I decided to swing in on Saturday and I hated it. I then decided that I must look at my other options that day. I wanted to give myself time to make a proper decision this time. Not brilliant for a few reasons, the main one being it was the last day of the month i.e. quota time.

Ken and I were actually considering different gyms at this point. My needs are a bit different, as I need classes and better cardio machines. He wants a bike, treadmill, and weights. We went to one of the two gyms I was considering at this point. We got the high pressure sale, even though I told them that was one of the reasons I was leaving my previous gym. It was a bad situation, and we of course joined. I knew we had 3 days to cancel, and they said 16 because of effective dates or something, but I did think it would do. So at this point we still have 30 days of old gym and we now have new gym.

We go work out at new gym on Sunday and we hate it. It is literally everything we hated about old gym plus some. It was bad. So we leave straight from our work out and look at one of Ken's gyms. We were going to then go to my other gym option, the most expensive of them all. Ken's option was closer, so we took our sweaty selves there. Luckily, we have no credit cards on us, so we feel a bit safer. We take a tour and they offer to let us work out (warning signs for the other gym). We like it and it is cheap. Really cheap and we really like it. And it is closer by 2 blocks.

So we go home, reread our contract for gym 2. It says that if you cancel within 3 days and find a gym that is better or less expensive they will refund our money + $100. Now I am not sure if I believe them, but it is worth a shot. So we go to gym 3, sign up and pay for a year in full. We now have 3 gym memberships. We take all of our stuff, walk through a mass of people, and actually cross through a "Happy Birthday, Israel" parade to get to Ken's office. We make our copies, write and sign our letters and go to the post office and mail our second gym cancellation letter of the week via certified mail.


So, I have no excuse not to work out this month.

Wow, it has been some time since my last post. The past few months have been a strange combination of exhilaration, exhaustion, mild disappointment, and contentment. We are nearing our one year anniversary in New York, and while it has been many, many things. Above all it has been the greatest year of my life. I am constantly amazed at the opportunities I have had here. So in honor of my first year in New York, I am going to attempt a top ten moments list (in no particular order):

1. Being in a member's Gallery Talk group at MoMA with Ron Howard for my favorite exhibit of last year, Martin Puryear.

2. Having the opportunity to view the private art collection of Julio Mario and Beatrice Santa Domingo in their home.

3. Getting to be the only shopper on the 8th Floor of Saks (Shoes!) after they had closed to the public and sipping champagne while I did it!

4. A tour of the stacks at the New York Public Library, including the Bryant Park stacks. The Young Lions Fiction Awards almost beat this one out.

5. Dining at Per Se.

6. Dining a Perilla at a table next to Sam Talbot. This was especially exciting when Harold came out of the kitchen to speak with him.

7. Seeing Grey Gardens two days before it closed.

8. Cocktails at the 'hidden' Little Branch.

9. Meeting John Thain at the NYRP Spring picnic. Having Tony Bennett graze my chair was another highlight. And Bette Midler!

10. Having the opportunity to listen to John Prendergast and Susan Power at In Darfur.

Comment and I'll give you a letter; then you have to list 10 things you love that begin with that letter. Afterward, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own.

http://emallee.livejournal.com/ gave me the letter "D"

1. Dining out- I just had an amazing dinner at Per Se. I think food is one the most amazing art forms, plus it is yummy.

2. Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama- No explanation needed.

3. David Bowie- By far the most played on my iPod.

4. The Dubliners (James Joyce)- One of my favorite pieces of literature.

5. Dogs- Especially my dog Camden.

6. Donating- I made a donation goal this year, and I am already enjoying meeting the goal.

7. The 'D' Train - I can get on on my corner, and be in SoHo or the Upper West Side in just a few minutes.

8. Documentaries- My favorite type of film. I love documentaries. The last one I watched was "Who killed the Electric Car?" It was great.

9. Dina- She cuts my hair. I love my hair. Therefore, I love Dina.

10. Designer Shoes- Yeah, I have a problem. But I justify it by doing more of number 6.

Due to family visiting the next 3 weekends, the holidays will linger for a while. I have some goals for the coming year. I will not call them resolutions.

1. Improve my workouts and get out of my rut.
a. Take a yoga class at least once a week.
b. If I miss my morning workout, go in the afternoon!

2. Eat less sugar. Eat as few processed foods as possible. Cut High Fructose Corn Syrup from diet.

3. Finish my certificate in Fundraising from NYU this year.

4. Drink tea every day.

5. Start everyday with a large glass of water (before coffee!). I drink enough water, but I want to drink more.

6. Read the NY Times everyday, and attempt the crossword. Do not bring the paper in in the mornings and leave it sitting while I waste time online.

7. Read 50 books this year.

8. Take 2 classes each month.

9. Volunteer twice a month.

10. Donate X amount of dollars this year. I have the dollar amount set and a giving plan drawn out. I do not have all the dollars allocated yet.

11. Join a club and/or group.

12. No 'social' smoking.

13. Ride a down escalator by the end of the year.

If someone wrote an "I hate the Apple Store Song" I would purchase it, and I would play it right now.

I just paid my entry fee for this.

Ken and I went to a members only gallery talk today. Ron Howard was in our group. Pretty freaking cool.

The holidays have arrived. Along with the holidays come the tourist. Tourist are on a different time table than those of us who line in New York. And they don't seem to comprehend that those sidewalks they are stopped on taking pictures, chatting, waiting, or generally gawking are our highways. Do you think they would stop their car on a four-lane and take pictures? Do you think they would drive 35 on the autobahn? It is cold out here, speed up! We are having a marathon session of Angel this weekend. Staying in and avoiding the hordes of tourist seems to be everyone's choice. I didn't speak with anyone that had plans for the weekend all week.

I bought my stamps for my holiday cards, so I guess I have to get to work on them. It is supposed to snow and sleet tomorrow, so I guess that will be a good time. I really hate snow. I am clumsy enough in ideal conditions. Unfortunately, my dog loves the snow. So off to central park I will go.

Every weekday for a month 37A made loud, horrible noises. A renovation occurring above my head. Fine. Everyone was mad. It was loud, constant, and dusty. It seemed to be over finally. I hadn't heard a thing in a month. Now on a Saturday morning when I want to stay in, watch TV, and generally chill, they are at it again. There is not supposed to be construction on Saturdays. I hate 37A.